Wednesday, March 9, 2016

My Flat-Pack Assembly Hell

It is summer in Sydney, it's hot and humid and everyone is wearing shorts.
Except for me.
I'm wearing jeans to cover the bruises and scratches from my latest extreme makeover...

Here's a snippet of related bedtime conversation last week;

"Mummy can you read me a bed-time story?"
"Sorry Darling, Not tonight;  I have to go on U-Tube to find out how to lay floorboards."
"Oh yeah. OK mummy, goodnight."
"Goodnight sweetie; Love you"
"Love you to the moon."

It was time for Pinkster to go into a bigger bed and she wanted a loft bed, but I just couldn't bring myself to build something that permanent over, God knows how old and how dust mite infested, carpet.  I think the carpet is probably 20 years old. It's wearing OK but it's wool and she's allergic to that (or maybe its dust mite population).

So I pulled up a corner of the carpet and checked out the boards- they looked quite alright and I decided- it's time for bare boards.

But you never know do you until all the carpet is up, just what sort of mess you're getting yourself into. I'd trawled U-Tube for video tutorials of sanding floor boards one evening when I'd gotten just half the carpet up.

Later I discover there appears to be a lack of U-Tube tutorials dealing with holes, huge gaps and badly patched areas using boards that don't come close to resembling the originals.

And that, my friends, is how I came to lay my first floating laminate floor.
I wont go into the grim details, but after two days my legs were not pretty. Big yellow and purple bruises, nail scratches, and my hands didn't fare any better.  And this was all before I could get down to the nitty gritty of the bed building project.

The seven boxes of bed had resided for two weeks in my guest room where myself, a dear friend and a trolley with flat tires, had wrestled them in.

The journey home from the bed store was interesting; just because the Toyota can fit what feels like 200 kilos of flat-packed furniture in it, doesn't mean it should. I don't know if the suspension will forgive me but I know the auto-transmission wont.

The next fun part in Project New Bedroom was getting all the contents of these boxes, a couple of them bigger than me and most of them heavier, upstairs.
My narrow staircase.
My very steep, narrow staircase.
The very stairs that thwarted all attempts, a few weeks ago, at moving any of my armchairs to the second floor.

The day I broke my back
So I broke my back again and added some more rainbow colors to my legs.

The instructions; when I found them (was that in box five or six?) said this flat pack assembly will take 60 minutes and two people. 

I was at it all day. I'm used to IKEA flat-pack instructions, so I thought; I'll manage this, I'm no stranger to building stuff - I can follow instructions.." and there I was in Flat Pack assembly hell for two days.

IKEA instructions identify all the pieces involved. These were not IKEA instructions.
Pieces were not marked.

Diagrams of pieces often didn't show them entirely, severely limiting the possibility of telling them apart from the many similar pieces.

Diagrams of fully assembled items didn't come close to showing what you were building.

The list of hardware had all those items depicted and numbered in the glossary, but the part numbers changed throughout the instructions.

The pages of the instruction booklet didn't even run consecutively ie: 1,2,3,4,5,7,6,10,9,8
Each box, sometimes two boxes, were supposed to contain all parts of a particular section, but it's as though some smaller bits got left out so they were hidden at the bottom of the packaging of other non-related components.

So yes it took two full days with many calls, hand-holding and advice given by my local friendly experts and all round nice guys at Creative Space Constructions. I also made a couple of trips to the hardware store for extra random screws, bolts and more advice (I try to share the wear).

If you can build this - you can build absolutely anything!
And after I put my girl to bed for her first night in her new Sigma Midi Loft bed, I dragged my weary arse downstairs to clear the guest room of a mountain of cardboard and I filled five extra large garden bags with the Styrofoam packing I broke up into little pieces. When it came to dealing with the teeny tiny balls of Styrofoam I discovered my Dyson vacuum had died an untimely death.

The next morning, She-Who-Used-To-Worship-Pink&Now-Worships-Animal-Prints, asked me when I would make her leopard print doona and pillowcase.

I would blitz this IKEA interview
Thanks to IKEA flat pack assembly service for the awesome photos - you feel my pain clearly!

Tuesday, November 10, 2015


High roller

Dogs, like children, can really take you out of yourself, show you a lighter side of any situation. On the other hand they can drag you out of peaceful Zen moments so abruptly, leaving you pissed off, drenched in shampoo and baking soda, wondering what you did to deserve the affront....

We were on the waterfront Orange Dog and I, taking a moment in the park on a rare Child-free Saturday afternoon. 

I was walking back to the stairs when I realised my shadow was no longer attached to my leg. I looked around and there he was by the water, on his back, those long orange legs kicking joyfully into the air, his body flipping from side to side.   

I forget how much he loves a good roll in the grass. We don’t have grass in our garden.
As we came up to the street a cute guy smiled at us, Orange Dog smiled back and promptly attached himself to his new friend.   
The guy’s smile sort of tumbled off his face and he began walking faster. 
Meanwhile, I was wondering, what’s that smell?   
I stopped and checked under my runners. 
Nope, nothing there.
But there it was again, pwarrrh!   
What was that?! 
Smelled like a corpse. 
A very old corpse.

By the time we got home, I had him leashed - to quarantine him from humans. 
I tied his leash to the car port pillar and grabbed the hose.   
I cursed him and I blasted him with cold water, and the smell of rancid fish guts (could have been rat too I guess) began to fill the front garden.

After half a bottle of shampoo, and a couple of cups of baking soda, blasted him again withthee hose before I rubbing the monster down with a towel. 
Still the rancid smell of rotting flesh still hit my nostrils. 
I pulled off his leather collar,sniffed, almost fainted, and threw that in the washer with the towels for a thorough fumigating.
I sniffed his neck, my nostrils protested again so I raided the bathroom cabinet.

Issey Miyake did the trick. I know I had a big bottle of CK One in there somewhere.
He was one miserable individual as was I when I went to the front garden only to be overwhelmed by Rancid fish guts again. No way was I going to empty a bottle of L’eau D’Issey onto my pavers, so I shut the door and prayed for more rain (there’s a first).   
Meanwhile the Orange stinker was trying, for all he was worth, to bury his snout in his bed .    
‘Serves you right, you creep’ I told him.

White vinegar was always my de-stink go to, but this situation, this level of utterly devastating and hair curling stench was way beyond vinegar. 

Later on an emergency food run to the pet store I thought, I wonder…. And there, to my utter amazement, (or maybe not) I found a Pet Perfume aisle. (!!!!) OK I wasn’t all that shocked. What was shocking were the prices… the first one I picked up was just under $20 for 100ml of something that smelled like Brut33!

Pet perfume can cost more than humans'

I did the math. That’s the price Chemist Warehouse sells Calvin Klein’s CK One/ per 100ml for and to say that smells way better is a gross understatement. I didn’t need to open the bottle; my frightened furperson was backingup as soon as I pulled it off the shelf.
‘I wouldn’t do that to you, big boy,even humans shouldnt smell like that.’

Most of the Canine Cologne’s smelled like the stuff middle-aged letches marinated in;  the kind of aftershaves that send you into coughing fits in post office queues, or just leave you with a spectacular headache from minimal exposure.

I chose one with a subtle fragrance with coat conditioner in it. It was mid-range at $15 per 100ml.  If it doesn’t live up to its promises of deodorising, non-irritant and coat conditioning, I will buy CK One next time. 

At least this one gives some of its profits to the RSPCA. I like that.

Doggy Day Spa...

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Fairy Pen Pals

She-Who-Worships-Pink, still not content to wait for that very wobbly tooth to come out, (no; still not!) is writing again. This time to another friend of her tooth Fairy..
It took a while to get a response, fairy mail I guess is hard to address properly, so it can be a bit hit and miss. But the mail does get through. Apparently rather than ponies they have an Owl Express...

Dear Lucie,
Thank you for your letter, I was just too excited when it was brought to me! 

It did take a while though, one of our friendly owls found it tied to your swing (?) then she dropped it off here at the fairy library  because owls can’t read so she didn’t know who it was for. 

So it took a while to find its way to me.  But I’m super-excited to have my own letter considering I’m not your actual tooth fairy.

I wish I was; Alice is so lucky!  And now Annabel can stop bragging about getting a letter and teasing me because you wrote to me too!!! It’s like a little club isn’t it?!

What do I like to do? Well my favourite thing is riding dandelion spores. If you didn’t know, they are the tiny little wafty things that come away from the dandelion in the wind or I guess when you humans blow on them.

I’m quite sporty for a fairy, and I love when its windy. As the spores come away I try to grab the bottom of one and see how far it will carry me. It’s the best fun ever. 

I sometimes try hang- gliding from maple seeds but they spin around so fast it’s hard to hold on and if you do you can get pretty dizzy. And feel a bit sick too!
Annabel and Alice think I’m crazy!

Well hope that next tooth doesn’t take too much longer to come out – Alice is getting impatient.

Take care Lucie,

PS I loved your flower, you’re really good at drawing – I wish I was as good.  

I have to pick her up from school now, and I'll keep this tiny thing in my back pocket, she'll be thrilled when I show her what I found while making her bed. She doesnt always check under her pillow! 

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Fairy Small Letters

These darn wobbly teeth have been wobbling for months now and still no definitive movement! Pinkster is getting so frustrated, waiting for another coin and more importantly, a letter from the tooth fairy. 

During the first spate of lost teeth - sometimes two in a week, there was a lot of correspondence, drawings and pressed flowers exchanging hands.  So missing all that tooth fairy social interaction Pinkster has taken to leaving notes in the garden addressed the tooth fairy.  And to the tooth fairy's friends for that matter.

It often takes a while to get a response, since the fairies have to be flying over our place and notice the notes, in the dark, while avoiding the cats and the possums.
But still they manage these clever little things, and this tooth fairy although she's only a friend of 'our' tooth fairy (Alice) she replied...

Hello Lucie!        

 I’m sorry it has taken me so long to write back to you, I’ve been having a holiday and visiting my family in the Magical North.

Alice is indeed my very good friend, she’s very sweet, and it was Alice who has been saving your letter for me since she found it in your garden. She was flying past on the way to collect another little child’s tooth in the same area.

I love, love LOVE the pretty sun flower you drew for me and I think I might hang it up on my wall!  Alice loves it too.

I would love to be good friends with you too.             

Maybe if I’m not busy next time you lose a tooth, I can come with Alice to collect it. She did say that you seemed to have some more loose ones so that might not be long away.

By the way, do you like my typing? YES! I’m typing not writing! !

I have only learned how a short while ago. we have typing machines in the Fairy Library and I’ve been teaching myself in my spare time.  You write a bit on the  screen first and then the machine actually imitates your own handwriting while you type – its’ so cool.  (and so much n eater!)

Alice is good at typing but she likes to write everything by hand with that magic pen of hers  - when she has time that is..  I don’t like the pens because they’re still quite big for our hands and I have so much to say I get achy hands by the time I’ve finished!    Can you type?  I think it’s kind of hard when you first start trying.

Anyway I’d better go for now.

Take care,

Love Annabel xx

PS I found a big yellow letter for Alice, it just said Dear Tooth Fairy, but since she’s assigned to you (and your teeth- Ha Ha ) I guess it’s for her.

I hope you don’t mind that I took it to give to her. She will really be thrilled and your picture is super gorgeous. xx

This was that yellow letter..

 And fairy Alice, reliable as always replied too on that same almost transparently fine stationary they use...

Dearest Lucie,

Thank you for your lovely letter, Annabel found and brought to me. Such a pretty picture of you! Thank you so much!!!

I laughed at your idea about magic runners, that would be a great idea for those times we get caught in the rain and our wings get wet. You have no idea how that messes up the tooth collection schedule! 

So Anabel insisted this time, I go to the library and use the typing machines because she says my written notes are all wonky. I didn’t think they were so bad, maybe my lines aren’t very straight, but she’s right- the magic pens are hard to use if you really want neat writing.

And anyway it’s been a busy week for us, on account of it being so windy these past weeks!  Simply awful tyring to fly in the wind, but especially carrying coins, not to mention paper and magic pens!  I lost half my paper to a gust of wind just last week!

 One night I was so late and it was so windy, I had to hitch a ride on an owl.  Owls are really quite sweet and helpful when you ask nicely. And they are very strong flyers.

So how long do we fairies live? We don’t measure our years the way you do, but I suppose in human years, it would be maybe 300 or so?

So I have to wonder… are those wobbly teeth of yours every coming out?!?!
I’ve been waiting ages! I’m so glad you wrote to me anyway if I had to wait for a tooth much longer I would have to fly past and wobble them myself just to hurry things along so I could have a note from you. 

We’re actually not supposed to wobble children’s teeth- it’s breaking the rules. The boss says: “they have to come out when they’re good and ready!’

Also I must say, your cat is a bit scary!  I stay well away from your mum’s room when I come. Your dog I have met and he wagged his tail so much, it was like a fan and I got blown backwards. I had to flap my wings quite hard to get close enough to him to pat his nose! He’s a lovely boy and I don’t think he’d let the cat near me, but still…

Well as I said it’s a busy time because of all this crazy weather so I’d better get going.

Take care Lucie, and I look forward to your next tooth.

Lots of love

Alice  xxx

These letters are so tiny I have to wear seriously strong glasses. When Alice writes by hand I have to wear those glasses and hold a magnifying glass over the tiny page to read it at all!

I thought it was interesting the mention of The Magical North, which is a place mentioned in Jaclyn Moriarty's Colours Of  Madeline Trilogy books.  Maybe Jaclyn pulled the name from a childhood memory of her Tooth Fairy?  Perhaps that's where fairies come from - through cracks between our world and the Kingdom of Cello... 

I've been reading this first book, A Corner of White, to Pinkster and coming to the end, she was getting quite stressed to be leaving these wonderful characters and magical beings like the Butterfly Child.  But I've assured her I have the second book and now she's  a bit more relaxed about it.  But I must say sometimes we're reading well past bed time because the story is getting a bit too exciting - Pinkster's own gasps of revelation are often keeping her awake!  
Better still, a little bird told me that the third and final book will be out early next year. Yay!

I'm sure that the next question Pinkster asks the Tooth Fairy will be; 'Do you know any Butterfly Children?'